Sunday, September 21, 2014

Brothers - Storytelling Wk. 3

"Your brother never meant to spite you. He's just never had anyone challenge him until you came along. I know I should have raised him better, but boys will be boys".

I always thought Vali was the absolute coolest guy. He was excellent at stickball, track, and any other test of athleticism and strength. Mom always said that Vali had muscles that were weaved by God. It was odd that someone so blessed could be such a short-tempered and short-sighted brother. Despite his physical advantages, he always tried to prove himself to me -- usually by demonstrating how much farther he could toss a boulder or how easily he could break a tree limb. It bothered him to no end that I couldn't care less about his supernatural strength. This usually caused him to be further incensed, storming off only to later come back and ridicule me for my piano playing or my science projects. I never wanted to argue, but he made it happen. It only got worse.

Source: Wikimedia commons
He often decided it was his obligation to protect the town's animals from ravenous wolves or to jump into burning buildings to check for life inside instead of waiting for our fire department. His favorite "responsibility" was probably whenever storms would scatter the livestock into Cave Creek nearby. Vali would never acknowledge that his servitude was about doing the nice thing for people. He really just enjoyed people knowing that they were indebted to him. On a particularly violent and stormy night, Vali had been digging out some pigs but was taking forever to come home. Against my mother's best wishes, I set out for the creek side to make sure he was okay. It must have been a solid eight hours of searching before I gave up. We reported to the police that he had gone missing, but they said that there had been tons of people stranded in the storm, most of whom were presumed dead. I knew that my brother could not so easily be taken away by a fickle storm, so I was not nearly as devastated as my mother.

On my way home from school each day, I looked out upon our fields, fully expecting to see him running like a madman through the tallgrass. It had been nearly three weeks since the storm, and I had to have been the only one who still thought he was coming back. We heard a sudden thump on the back door. It was Vali! I could not keep myself from grinning while he embraced my mother. I should have noticed the bottle of gin in his knapsack and I should have noticed that he had fresh clothes. But who was I to be upset when the pride of our town was back?

Vali was different now. At first, I thought he was joking around with me when he talked of the night he went missing. He'd say, "I expected you to come fish me out of the creek, you scrawny punk." or "Someone as smart as you should have known I would be staying with Betsy down the road."  Vali was arrogant and short-tempered, but I never thought he had it in him to stay the weekend with Betsy -- the girl he once promised to me I would marry someday. When I found out that he and Betsy were much more than just "roommates" during his time away from home, I was crushed.

I felt like I was slowly being towed away from everything that I loved. Vali spent all of his time with my former love. And when he did manage to stumble home, he was completely wasted. My mother was still in shock from losing him, so her only instinct was to coddle him further. She was always pleading with me to make sure Vali had everything he needed. "He needs you to help him on his school work!" This really just meant he was too busy upchucking all night to do his math problems.

When it became apparent that this was going to be my life for my eternity, I packed up my world and applied for individual independence from my mother and Vali. I knew living in my own condominium outside of Brooksdale Community College a few months before school starts would not be nearly as stressful as living with my family.  I had grown weary from all of the verbal and physical abuse from the relationship with my brother, and I had grown weary of my mother's unwillingness to do anything about him.

To this very day, I am barred from evening dinners with my mother and brother -- far from welcome in what was once my own home. My mother and brother couldn't understand how much their burden on me was keeping me from succeeding. I am not married to the girl to which I was meant to be married, but I know that without my choice to leave, I'd still be doing homework for my brother.

Author's note:

This was an adaptation of part of Sugreeva's story about his history with his brother, Vali. In the Ramayana the great warrior Vali goes into a cave (deemed Cave Creek in my interpretation) to fight a beast and takes a very long time to come out. The challenge of the beast is instead more of a challenge of stamina in my story; he must save the livestock that has been stranded in the creek. The only person to still believe he is alive is his brother. However, because Vali felt abandoned after being left stranded for so long, he basically shuns his brother from their city and ends up taking his wife, too. I did not incorporate any of Rama's intervention in this matter, as my re-telling only covers everything up to Sugreeva's banishment out of the city.

I remember reading about Vali's great strength and how it would make sense if one of the brothers was the brute jock, while the other was the perceptive and intelligent son. I wish I had made more time to flesh out the reemergence of Sugreeva into Vali's life, so that I could change Vali's imminent death at the hands of Rama into something more optimistic.

The picture I chose was made to set up some imagery of the livestock stranded in Cave Creek.

Source:
  • Narayan, R. K. (1972) The Ramayana


7 comments:

  1. Wow, this was very creative and interesting! I love how you translated the details of the story of Vali and Sugreeva in the Ramayana to a more modern, normal-human-character-ed story. It was very fun to read and see how the stories connected. I also like that you went back to their early relationship as brothers, giving a sort of prequel look at their story, before moving to Sugreeva's exile. It was clever to cast normal-guy Vali as a jock type, which plays on his temper and feats of strength, and contrasting that with Sugreeva as a more intellectual type. Well done.

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  2. Your retelling was great and raw. The abuse from the relationship with his brother was completely relatable and real. I think you really brought this story to a new level. The only thing I would have enjoyed would be if the little brother did more in the story. If he was an active character (despite the diary style) I think it would have been an even better story. But this is just something to keep in mind next time.

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  3. Hey Jeremy. When I first clicked on your portfolio label, I was really confused because I did not understand the way in which the portfolio option worked. Then I looked up the portfolio assignment and got it figured out. This is a really great story! You definitely are not short on length or originality, and grammatically, there was only was thing that stood out to me. When you first introduce us to Betsy, you describe her as: "the girl he once promised to me I would marry someday." This just seemed a little long-winded. I would suggest shortening it to read: "the girl that I was supposed to marry."
    I really liked the changes that you made to the original story to make Sugreeva's situation more relatable. While Vali is certainly still emotionally abusive, you have taken away much of his physical aggression toward his brother. I would be interested to see how you portray Rama's intervention between Vali and Sugreeva's relationship. Without all of the physical aggression, I would expect Rama to find it much more difficult to agree to slay Vali. Would they come to a more peaceful conclusion that doesn't end with Vali's death? Or would they try to settle things diplomatically until Vali's rage consumes him and ultimately forces Rama to kill him? (Just an idea for a future portfolio post.)
    You did a great job, and this was an excellent story to introduce me to the portfolio option!

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  4. My first impression was that the quote at the beginning was really good. It grabbed my attention. After reading the story and going back to it, though, it doesn’t completely make sense. How did Sugreeva really challenge Vali in this story?

    I appreciate how you changed the setting in this story, but I don’t feel like the conflict carries the same weight as it did in the original. In the Ramayana, Sugreeva locks Vali in a cave and Vali gets angry at him. In this story, Vali leaves for a few weeks, shacks up with Sugreeva’s almost fiancĂ© (which is a relationship that is poorly explained) then comes back and is so douchey that Sugreeva leaves. While there is definitely tension between the brothers, it just doesn’t carry the same weight to me.

    You have great character development for Vali, but Sugreeva could use a little more fleshing out. Also, “Vali” and “Sugreeva” are odd names for the setting you’re describing. Maybe consider changing the names to something that you hear every once in a while in Middle America.

    The picture of the flooded cattle fits with the story. Maybe add a second picture that gives the reader a feel for the tension between the brothers.

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  5. Jeremy,

    I think that your re-telling of that story was genius. I've already commented on a couple of your previous blog posts and told you that I really admire your style of writing. I love how you kept the main elements of the story with Vali shunning his brother and taking his wife. I also really like the fact that you put so much detail and imagery into your story. You expanded the background and characters perfectly. I almost felt like I was watching some kind of movie.
    A couple of things to improve this would maybe be to elaborate a little bit more on Betsy. How did she get into the picture and why is she important? I feel like maybe bringing her up as a paragraph in the intro and having Vali continuously pester Sugriva about Betsy or something would easily bring more weight into their fight because Betsy would be someone that the readers would know about. Also, maybe you should work a tiny bit more on Vali and how even as a child, Sugriva got his way and always managed to upset Vali. The readers need to see Sugriva's anger and passion. You developed Sugriva wonderfully, but I feel like you made him a little too passive.
    I really liked the ending where you talked about the constant abuse and the emancipation and stuff. That flowed really well. Great job Jeremy! Overall the story was fantastic and I can not wait to read the rest of the stories in your portfolio.

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  6. Jeremy, the beginning of your story was very creative! I love that you decided to open up your story with a quote, I think that is just a very different idea. I really love that you decided to do the story from Sugriva's point of view because I think in the story that the reader misses out on Sugriva's perspective because it is overshadowed by Vali's character. I think it was very well written that you included feelings and other thoughts of Sugriva's that include just noticing his behavior change or things that he did. That is a very important part in sibling relationships in how they observe what their sibling does and take note on it. It is even relevant to sibling relationships today! I really like that you made this story modern and changed little details that were important in the Ramayana and made them important in this story as well. I think you are definitely on the right track especially with the amount of perspective and feelings you incorporate into the story! Just keep making sure that you also include a little bit more flow between events in the story. I cannot wait to see what you decide to write next!

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  7. Hi Jeremy! Your storytelling project was amazing! I think it's one of my favorites so far. You are so talented at using elements in a story and translating them into a form that is relatable to the modern reading while staying true to the elements and overall plot of the stories from these ancient Indian epics. One example of this is how you picked the jock stereotype for one brother and the nerd stereotype for the other-- this added an element that added to the story and gave the brothers' interaction more context, which helped me find more reason in the things that they did. I hadn't thought much about this story as I was reading through the book, so it was wonderful that I got to see it in a format that reveals more things in the source text while being original. It was a great idea to avoid Rama, as it highlights was could be seen as an unimportant part of the epic, when, in fact, it is huge because it explains the monkeys' involvement and also paved the way for Rama's intervention in the conflict. I too would also like to see more of Betsy and why she decided to reject the possibility of her being happy with the nerdy brother. Your post is very well written, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

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