The scrawny youngster dragged his feet as he approached the group, being extra careful to not look at any one member the wrong way. His wispy dark hair flew past him in the arid wind and he only managed to keep his yellow headgear attached by tying a bright red shoelace around it. The dirt of the entire playground lay nestled in his shirt and pants. Still with his eyes affixed to the cracks in the pavement, he asked, "Can I play over here with you guys?'
The playground was meant to be fun. It should have been fun. For Vibs, it wasn't. Before that day, Vibs spent most of his time trying not to get stepped on while excavating in the sandbox. His only real interaction with people would last as long as it took him to apologize, usually a woefully stutter-ridden "S-s-sorry!" Vibs had no interest in standing in the way of anybody.
Probably the most interesting thing about Vibs was his proximity to something far less kind and unassuming. Vibs was the brother of Ray, the biggest, baddest, and whiniest punk to ever patrol a jungle gym. Ray was not one to be crossed, and most of the kids who had crossed him didn't come out for recess any more. Ray was also manipulative. Despite his overwhelming size, he managed to convince teachers that it was he who was being bullied or having lunch money stolen. Even though Ray was obviously a bad fruit, most knew better than to ever get near him. Thus, his effect on the playground was minimized to mostly fear and not treachery.
That changed one day when I brought my new Spalding basketball to recess. It had a cool leather print and was one of those internalized air pump balls that couldn't go flat even if you tried. I took a long shot, probably about ten feet farther from the hoop than I should have been, and missed the goal completely. I was obviously embarrassed, but that emotion I felt does not compare to what I felt when the ball bounced off the head of the recess ruffian.
Much unlike his usual primal nature, he did not beat me into submission nor yell until his throat dried up. Instead, Ray simply grabbed the ball and sat on it. That's not to say he didn't acknowledge its beauty -- he wouldn't stop touching the new leather with his grimy gauntlets. I was already devastated whenever Ray snatched it, but knowing Ray had my ball made it somehow easier. It was like knowing that it had been blown into oblivion -- completely unreachable, unlike losing a ball across a fence. I had already begun to cope with life after my ball. That's why I couldn't comprehend what Vibs was doing when he tried to kick the ball out from underneath his brother. Ray lashed out, "What are you doing, Squirt?!" to which Vibs replied, much louder than he had ever spoken to someone on this playground, "It's not your ball to take. Give it back, or I'm telling Mom."
Ray proceeded to turn away from all of us, being sure to never come up off this new perch. I groaned as the leather began to stretch and grind between the friction of the massive Ray and the grisly pavement underneath. Vibs again tried to reason with his oaf of a brother, "Ray, maybe they'll let you play with them if you give the ball back. Not everyone is as mean as you are." To this response, Ray huffed out a, "No, I'm alright where I am," and then again turned his back on Vibs.
Vibs would not get another chance to plead with Ray. His slight frame was sent in full somersault down the hill by Ray as he ran off with the ball, clearly playing football with my basketball. The moment was too ugly for any of us to watch. I was so sure that Vibs was buried in all of the dust kicked up in the scuffle, but he managed to get up quickly enough to keep his hat from ending up in the street.
...
So now I stand back in front of Vibs, the bravest runt on the playground, and say, "Of course you can play, but your brother still has my ball." Vibs replies, showing once again that his beast of a brother could not faze him, "I think I know what we can do to get it back."
Author's note:
I realized as I wrote this that a huge chunk of my story actually covers much earlier in the book, where Ravana steals Sita (or Ray steals the basketball from Rama) and I hope that part was okay to include in order to tell my story of Vibihshana's conflict with Ravana and his eventual leaving of Ravana's side to join Rama. I also was not trying to objectify Sita as a basketball, but instead trying to find a relatable object of children on a playground. I still can't figure out how to describe the scene, either from Rama's perspective or Vibs. Rama gets the perspective of Vibs being sent through the dust, and can talk about the size and personality difference between the brothers. I had a difficult time locating a picture of boys fighting over a basketball, so I ended up using it to set the scene on the playground, before Vibs is sent to the dust. I thought modifying the names into something more like what kids could comfortably use made the story flow better than just having their full names. It was hard to describe how Vibs would show him treasures of the Lankan land, so I decided getting the ball back from Ravana would be relevant symbolism.
Source
Buck, William (1976). Ramayana: King Rama's Way.
I really liked your modernization of the story to a playground setting! You really did a great job translating important characteristics of Ravana, Rama, and Vibihshana over to children. The dialogue really added a lot to your story, and I like how it was from the perspective of the child who was like Rama. And I feel really bad for the basketball/Sita! That's rough! Great job!
ReplyDeleteI think your retelling worked incredibly well. I think the prestory with the Rama and Sita retelling worked really well to set the tone and background of the story you wished to tell. Of course, Vibs could have been a more central character throughout to make it more of hit story and not Rama’s, but otherwise it was a great story. I think the characters stayed very true to their original counterparts and everything worked. I really enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteI think you leaving that background was a great idea. It definitely set the mood and helped the story progress quite smoothly. I was a little confused when the story switched from Vibs points of view to the other kid's. I kind of agree with Tia (above) that the story would have been better if you had told it from that other kid's or Vibs the entire time, but it was still really good. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteThis is a very creative retelling of the story. I like how you made the names sound more modern, but still recognizable. You seem to have a knack for taking the basic themes and characters of the epics and putting them in completely different, modern situations. I thought it was funny that Sita was a basketball in this story. The characterization of Ray and Vibs really worked with the original characters.
ReplyDeleteJeremy, you are a great writer! The best stories are the ones that grab you in at the first few words and you definitely accomplished that feat. Your descriptions of the main character are wonderful and very helpful for the reader to figure out who you are contrasting them with. I was not certain what story you were telling until I read your authors note, but I don’t think thats a bad thing! I like the mystery of it all. Your authors note does a great job of helping the reader understand and bringing the story full circle. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Jeremy. It’s good to be back at your portfolio. I really enjoyed your first story and had planned on coming back to read more later on in the semester. I didn’t expect to be paired again so soon, but I knew that you would have another great story to offer nonetheless. First of all, the imagery that you provided was great. I really liked how you began by introducing us to a setting in which minor details were brought to light. It really helped to orient me within the story. Your development of Vibs’ character was also exceptional. I really liked the way that you provided examples of interactions that he had with the other children to establish him as a very timid little boy. Likewise, you did a great job of establishing Ray as a very manipulative and abusive kid. “The recess ruffian”, nice! I also enjoyed how Vibs tried such a variety of approaches to convince his brother to give the ball back. First he tried to remove the ball forcefully, then he threatened his brother, and lastly he resorted to appealing to his brother’s seemingly nonexistent reason. Vibs’ resiliency in standing up to his brother was my favorite part of the story. After spending his life cowering away from the possibility that others might bully him, Vibs had finally had enough of his tyrannical brother and decided to put an end to his reign of terror. Great story!
ReplyDeleteIf my comments seem harsh it is only because I think you have a great opportunity with your story so most of my comments will be short. You have a begining and a middle but no end. I understand that you are limited with word count, but this comment is for a different reason. Your second paragraph is out of place with the rest of the story, meaning it is not as well written as the rest of your story. You did a good job of describing vibs and ray and I got a good sense of them as the characters but the rama character is not well rounded enough to be a workable character. I did not feel like you were objectifying sita at all, I actually caught on to what you were doing with the ball, but because rama is not defined enough in the story the attachment to the ball does not come through strong enough. For the purposes of this assignment for class, this is actually a great entry to your portfolio. The reasons for my comments are because I think you have a great story. I think if you expanded it and gave it some type of ending, it doesn't have to be too in depth though it would help, and if you worked on tightening up a few of the paragraphs along with working on the rama character you have a short story that is capable of publication. I have had a ton of writing classes, and though this is still raw this is one of the few stories that I have read that has the potential to be a compelling piece of material that finds its way into some type of publication. I really think you have something here and it would be worth it to you to continue to edit this in the hopes of it being published one day. Great Job.
ReplyDeleteHi again! I enjoyed reading this story as much as I did the last. You really do a great job at catching the reader's attention, and making the stories more interesting and enjoyable by modernizing them. This makes them relatable, and keeps readers wanting to read more. I do think that some of your paragraphs are not as strong as others, but overall I thought it was great!
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