WHAM. Something large, something gilded, something slick smacks me squarely on the noggin.
A clock whirrs and chimes in the distance - one ring, two rings.
I struggle to get up from my cot, and then I'm immediately clinging the ground. These boots are awful-- mustn't leave them unbuckled again.
The clock again chimes. Or does it yelp? Three rings, four rings.
The door to the chamber swings open. It must be the dead of night. Sauntering over to the door, I give it one good shove closed.
The clock beings to wretch, ringing for the fifth and sixth time.
How clumsy of me! These sticks must have been sent flying when I struggled with my boots. They still need to be gathered up.
The clock barks: "Seven! Eight!".
This is getting ridiculous. The gathered sticks have spilled back down to the floor. Only makes sense to put them in order, all in a line.
A shrill scream emanates from the clock, nine and ten
A slight knocking is coming from the door. I peer through the peep hole, but nothing of merit is outside. Upon opening the door, I discover a nice plump hen making its way down the yard.
The clock ushers me outside-- eleven, twelve.
The hen is nowhere to be found, but I can only think it has made its way down the ravine at the end of the property. This hen isn't going to catch itself. I being my descent.
The clock whispers from above the gully: "thirteen, fourteen".
The hen remains uncaptured, but something much more beautiful has piqued my interest. Wonderful young ladies, dancing in their work clothes, are making their way around at the bottom.
The clock again begins to blare through the abyss, 'fifteen, sixteen'
Finally, I have made it to their ballroom. The maids touch their lips to my cheek.
The clock attempts to bludgeon me with a seventeenth and eighteenth fist.
The maids at the front were all hiding the truest prize of all. A most astonishing damsel waits for me, beckoning me closer to her.
The clock finally lands a blow. I feel my skull give way to its gilded fist. "Nineteen, twenty"
I sit up in bed. I thump my alarm clock, which has been going off for a good twenty minutes. Good Lord, am I hungry!
Source: Flickr
Author's Note:
My story was inspired by the nursery rhyme, One, Two, Buckle My Shoe . You can find the traditional counting rhyme in The Nursery Rhyme Book, edited by Andrew Lang (1897).
This was a very interesting storytelling selection. I like how you took a nursery rhyme that really wasn't even a story - just a series of rhyming phrases - and made a narrative out of it. Still, I think you could have added even more to the story to tell the reader what was going on. At the beginning, especially, I wasn't really sure what was happening, what the setting was, or who was speaking. Although, you did do a great job putting the reader inside the narrator's head and showing his voice.
ReplyDeleteI like how you took this nursery rhyme, turning it into a strange dream. I feel like you could've expanded the story a bit more by describing the setting or adding some more details in other places. It was great at being a confusing dream, but, if that's not what you were going for, a few more details would make it less confusing. I really like how many words you used to describe the sound of the clock.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your take on this classic rhyme! The way in which you wrote made it feel almost like poetry, and the imagery used created a very surreal feeling throughout the story. And whatever method you used to expand the rhyme into a complete narrative worked extremely well. So great job on creating a surreal atmosphere of uncertainty that left me guessing about what was going on until the very end!
ReplyDeleteYour story had a really good dream-vibe. Usually a lot of dream sequences just seem normal, but I liked how this was clearly a dream. The confusion and chiming in the story gave the story plot great spine and held everything together really well. It was a great retelling!
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